The Amish and the Tudors.

It would seem that the only way to really get my thoughts down the way I want them is to attempt a daily-ish recap of sorts.

That being said, today I've been thinking about things that bring me joy happiness (I hesitate yet to call it joy) and confidence. I have come to see that I have a real lack of confidence in myself - in my knowledge and place in life and worthiness of the decisions I make... Part of that is environmental: when you live with both your and your husband's parents, you intrinsically still feel under a microscope and as though every choice is being scrutinized, sometimes silently, othertimes not. (I'm not sure which is worse.) But I think part of that is also simply because I don't have a good grasp of the things I enjoy and truly, truly love. I need to consciously remember and study those things which seriously interest me, such that they're more cemented in my mind, and readily available if I want to think or discuss them, but more importantly so that I simply have a more confident mindset in that I know anything other than that 3 days of my boys' laundry will fit in one load and the very specific way to load my dishwasher and the pathway to my 1 year old son's crib in the dark. (All of those are extremely important, by the way, and I do truly believe in the intrinsic value of those things.)

Here are the things on my list just from this evening:

1) Design and function of the Amish and Shaker cultures, as well as colonial America
          Ever read The Ox-Cart Man? It's about life in old New Hampshire, and although admittedly I don't think I'd be good at all aspects of that life, I love the ideology. I want to have nothing on my floors and hang my chairs on the walls. I already have the open shelves in my kitchen. (Go, me!)

2) Tudor Enland
          For the record, I read The Other Boleyn Girl before it became a movie. I can't remember if this was the first book of this genre that I read, but since then I've become a giant fan of Philippa Gregory. I don't read her nearly as often as I should. Except for Wideacre. I started that one and didn't finish it. I didn't like it. Really didn't. But I hear that's how it pretty much is with that book, love it or hate it.

I intend to seek out these subject with more earnest in the near future.

Otherwise the day was...well, nuts. As always, but plus a little. At different times throughout, all 7 kids were here, and I realized that my new solution for Wii-and-computer times is not as brilliant as I thought. I figured two half hour per blocks, used any which way (one block for each thing, or both blocks on either one) but with 5 to 6 kids using the computer and Wii throughout the day, it never gets turned off. Clearly this is not a solution. I will have to ponder this further.

Now I'm off to rub a crick in hubby's neck.

I like this format.

Morning musings.

Random thoughts at 7:39am (according to my computer clock):

1. I'm very glad I got up at 5 to walk with Leslie Sansone. I'm not glad that it was my kids who woke me up, but at least it got me out of bed.

2. Making coffee has much more allure than standing around amid children getting their breakfast trying to make my own.

3. Whereas in the grand scheme of things, I don't really care what my kids eat and when -- it must be meal food at meal times, but otherwise they can eat lunch for breakfast for all I care -- at this very moment, I'm choosing not to let DS4 eat bologna and hot dogs for breakfast.

4. He also needs a haircut.

5. Nothing says good morning like the sound of DD7 sitting in the recliner, hunched over a trash can, gagging on phlegm.

6. I'm putting in my order now for sunshine today.

Microblog.

First of all, I want to say that I'm very grateful to my one follower. :) Having only one is depressing, but how depressing would zero be?

Second, this is going to be what I've learned is called a "microblog": a very short blog.

I love writing. I like physically writing better than on the computer, but I love that I know how to type and I'm very grateful for that. (I keep being told that I should be a transcriptionist or something else that uses typing, but I have yet to break into any such field.)

I have no great following of people, but I want to blog, and so I shall. If hubby agrees, I will soon be delving into the homeschooling venue, and hopefully then I'll have much more to write about. I'd love to write about what happens in my life every day, but what happens in my life every day keeps me from blogging. :) I'm not great at setting goals other than getting laundry and dishes done, but if I were to set one, that might be it -- to sit down and blog whenever possible.

Pushy, pushy.

I have not been on my netbook in DAYS. How odd, for something I craved so much - for months - before I bought it. (Don't get me wrong, though; I didn't wait to buy it out of discipline, but out of pure lack of funds.) And life has set in, and my netbook for some reason at times seems u..n..b..e..a..r..a..b..l..y slow, such that I'm not always as excited about using it. Shame on me.

But now it's Wednesday night, we're home from the last Kids' Club of the season, and it's not even 9:00 - but I'm free and clear of children, and alone in my room! (Hubby is still at church rehearsing the Living Last Supper.) I have soooo much stuff swirling around in my head that I feel there's no way I can be the graceful, coherent, lexically-gifted person I yearn to be. I want to make people feeeeeeel what I'm saying. I don't know yet if that really ever happens. (If we're being honest, I'm not sure there's anyone reading this to feel it. :) )

I say stuff is "swirling"...what a funny expression, but things actually never "swirl" in my head. They kind of push in front of each other, jockeying for position, being ugly or sad or busy or stressed as they elbow each other out of the way. Even my writing feels like thoughts are pushing in without waiting their turn. I wonder how many thoughts are really in there...

1. I have this free time, but there my Bible sits with my devotional book. How I HUNGER AND THIRST for righteousness when quiet solitude with God is impossible, and how much more delightful Facebook or sleep looks when I find myself with a rare moment. However, I have learned several truths lately that tell me God still has time for me, even if not the other way around. One: "simply His." I saw this as a tattoo on someone's hand in a picture, and I've loved it since. What a blessed notion. Simple. I'm simply His. When I come to Him, I don't have to be pretty or have my eyebrows waxed or my teeth brushed or my chores done or my tummy sucked in. It's just us. Me and Him, and I don't have to follow any protocol or remind Him of anything or remember to use it as a teachable moment. He simply loves me, and wants to hear from me ~ anything from me ~ and best of all, it doesn't have to be like anybody else's relationship. And two: how often do I want my husband to be the one who adores me, who hangs on my every word, who thinks everything I say is important, who always remembers what I was saying (or that I was talking) or remembers later on what I had been talking about, who makes my life/feelings/purpose a priority and never forgets to make my Stuff as important and as valid as his Stuff... But my husband is a human being, just the same as me, and goodness knows I forget to make his stuff a priority sometimes, or I forget that he wanted me to bring something important with me, or I forget to chew with my mouth closed (a particular pet peeve), or that he needs to feel loved and appreciated, or that he's every bit as allowed to get stressed about financial matters even if I'm over it or want him to be The Strong One at the moment. But my need to feel those other things are still there! And they're valid! (I stomp my foot.) ...And God can supply every one of those needs. He hangs on my words and thinks every single one is important. He never forgets what I was talking about. He always has time to listen to me vent (and not only has time but wants to). He has made plans for me, BIG PLANS, and He promised He'd keep working on the plans for ME. He can fill every one of those spots where my husband every so often seems so human...like me.

2. I'm not only still not eating junk food (read: dessert, or fried things, or yummy snacky things like Doritos). I do still drink my coffee. Usually about twice a day, and then my tummy doesn't like it anymore. And now I've added some kind of modified South Beach diet to it. I'm trying not to eat grains of any kind, though I did have a pretza-bagel this morning (because I bought them for my son and they smelled so superb that I wanted to know what they tasted like...they weren't that awesome, but he loves them) and I ate the roll that my sandwich came in tonight at Kids' Club. (But, for the record, I skated right past the bowls of chips, and never even approached the table when they brought the desserts out.) I want so much to get rid of my tummy. It affects everything ~ my mood, my self-esteem, how I view my friendships, how I assume my husband sees me ~ and I know the SB diet has good results, but I'm not seeing them yet (not even results from cutting the junk food back since Ash Wednesday). Hubby says if I'd stop drinking my coffee... (pppbbbttth) However, when Easter Sunday rolls around, not even two weeks from now, I want some chocolate and a whole bag of Spicy Sweet Doritos.

3. I think I've decided I want to homeschool my daughter next year. I'd love to homeschool both my daughter and my son, but he's worked so hard at potty training to be able to go to kindergarten, that it might be too hard to take it away from him now. And we kinda think maybe he needs one year to experience school, to get the idea, to see how the routine works, to have someone else be telling him where to go and how/when to do things, and to keep him accountable to rules I didn't make. Then I'm hoping to start him in 1st grade. I have been thinking about this for several months, and my reasons are much more positive than negative toward the school system...I guess in a nutshell, I just feel there's so much more she could be learning, I've seen what kids can learn, and I want to be able to fill her mind with noble things and holy things, and not have to fight through theories about evolution and options of yoga. I'm excited for what her mind can and will do, and completely unhappy that the silly 9th circuit court wherever it was decided that a parents' rights don't extend past the doors of the schools. (Pppbbbttth to them, too.) Now I just have to talk it over for the last time with hubby, and then figure out how to present it to her... (and her brother, since they won't finally be at the same school :( ).

4. I'm pining for a local AND like-minded sister in Christ. I want her to be special to me, and I want to be special to her. I don't want to be sitting on the outside, watching her little circle that doesn't involve me (oddly, they seem to be made up of skinny blondes, which only makes it more depressing). I don't want to be having a good conversation with her, only to be interrupted by someone else that ends up taking just as much precedence as me. I want someone who doesn't seem to have it all together, no matter how much she says she is a basket case like me but speaks and oozes life and organization (while I feel like most often I just ooze). You know, I'd settle for a long-distance like-minded friend if we could be kind of exclusive. Wonder what that feels like...to go beyond sharing joys and annoyances of mother-life, into sharing joys and valleys of daughter-of-the-King-life? Hmmm.

5. And I don't know if I'll ever have another baby, because Certain People have inadvertently put that part (and several others) of my life on hold. (grr) There are times where my current situation seems to weigh so heavily on the living of my life that I feel I could just lie down and let life steamroll over me, but God continues to send me women and invitations that pull me out of the house and out of my Self Zone, when I have the courage to say YES.

6. I recently went to a day away for women, and every time I go to these (which isn't often, but occasionally), I wonder...what is it that other women are experiencing? They all seem to be laughing louder, crying harder, agreeing stronger, and, afterward, remembering sweeter than I. A beautiful friend of mine (who, incidentally, deserves to have a fabulous retreat) recently went to a women's conference and came back saying she felt like a new mom. Where are these magical events?? Why am I not experiencing this connection at the events I go to? Am I expecting too much? Does it have more to do with who you're with than what's happening around you? I know the focus is on God, and every time my goal is to go and just lose myself in the experience, to ignore all others around me and simply let God speak to me. And He does; I'm not completely devoid of sentiment the whole day...it just always seems to somehow fall short of other people's amazing times.

7. And I want a house of my own where I'm free to make my own choices no matter what they are, to make my own mistakes and learn from them, to be entirely myself and create my family the way I want to, the way I feel God wants me to. (That thought wasn't really elbowing the other thoughts so much, but it's kinda always there, so I'm just saying.)

There are no solutions for all these issues, save that 1) God is God and I am not; 2) I am a work in progress; 3) God does have plans for me: plans to give me hope and a future, plans to give me a ministry in my own way, even if it's exactly the mom-ing and wife-ing I'm doing right now, plans to bring me joy and blessings, plans to bring me closer to Him; 4) I will not always be in the place that I am right now.

Easter morning always comes. And look...there's my Bible, and my God, still sitting there waiting for me.

Less than halfway.

It's day...oh, something not that far in. Tomorrow makes two weeks, and I have not had any junk food. I've occasionally wondered, though, if our definition of "junk food" is a little loose. Tonight we had pizza. Earlier today, Jon had French fries, though I disagreed with him on that one. But at the same time, Elijah bought a Reese's ice cream bar this afternoon (with birthday money at Toys 'R Us) and as I was throwing away his wrapper, a small piece of chocolate fell on my hand...and I flicked it into the trash bag anyway. I did sigh/grumble as I did, though.

I have over a month to go. I have not noticed a bit of weight loss, but I did finally weight myself a week or so ago. It wasn't pretty, but it wasn't horribly more than I thought. A little, though, and that was enough. I have a baseline, and I'll weigh again on Easter, or somewhere thereabouts.

I've been okay on snacky foods -- things like smoothies and bowls of cereal or some healthy salsa have sufficed -- but there are times still when the meal doesn't feel complete without a sweet thing to finish it off. But I have resisted...even to the point of turning down Cadbury creme eggs from my brother in law when he didn't realize how far our abstinence extended. I felt worse about turning it down than about not being able to eat it, so I guess that's something.

This is a very boring post, but I felt it necessary to say the streak continues.

Day 3.

Day 3.

Wow. Satan really tested our committment-against-junk-food limits today. We discovered that our newly-teenaged daughter has been deceiving us for about a month. MAJ. OR. LY. It's been layer upon layer upon layer. Nothing physical or dangerous...unless Hub kills her. Both fortunately and unfortunately, his anger goes much deeper than yelling. It's betrayal. He didn't talk at all for a while. (On the fortunately side, I think that had the bigger impact on the 13 year old.)

So trying to figure out dinner was just that -- TRYING. And in the end...I don't know, is Chinese food considered junk? Hub says, in good conscience, he was able to order Chinese food and still feel as though he was sticking to our no-junk-food pact. I said, "but what's that I always hear about Chinese food and MSG?" He said it doesn't have MSG in it. I asked him how he knew. He said, "because they have a little sign that says 'no MSG.'" Can't argue with reason, I guess.

So...on we trudge. It would've been CLASSIC chocolate material, though. Thank God for my coffee, and I mean that in the most sacred way possible. Tomorrow will be a beautiful day in church; nothing will bring me down (and we. will. get out of the house on time). The Ethiopia missions team is (FINALLY!!! ok...only a week and a half later, but I'm dying here) doing a recap of their trip, and perhaps I will see video of our sponsor kiddo, my beloved Matewos. I've been waiting oh-so-eagerly for this day. Waterproof mascara tomorrow, for sure.

Journey in Lent

Bed. Dark. Write.

So I've decided to try to journal this journey I've started. Maybe nothing will come of it, but we didn't set out for anything to come of it. I wasn't even sure it was something that should be shared. It's not being done for anyone's knowledge or benefit, and sharing it could actually hamper what we're doing in our own lives. But I feel like it begs to be journaled, chronicled, so here's my attempt.

Hub and I have decided to give up junk food for Lent. I've never done this before -- given up something for Lent. I know why you do it, I just never have. And it wasn't a lightning bolt moment this year, just a thought that grew into reality. I wondered if we could do it. We like junk food. A LOT. And we have the rolls to prove it. But this is truly not about us or our physical health or losing weight, even though all those things need to be improved. This is about having the highest possible reason to do something -- because God commands it of us and because we've promised it. And it's about finally exercising the discipline it takes to do something completely and follow through.

Yesterday, Day 1.
We're still allowed to drink coffee, although my husband says his is necessary and mine is 600 calories. (He's probably not too far off. Sad, but true. I'm very picky about my coffee, and it's not a healthy result.) And part way through the day, around snacking hour, I reeeeally wanted my Sweet & Spicy Chili Doritos. (It's probably not helping that I have a quarter of a bag sitting next to my bed.) But I didn't.

Today, Day 2.
I meant to weigh myself today, just for posterity, to compare 40 days from now. But then I thought maybe I shouldn't. Although I do need to lose weight, that's not what this is about, and I don't want to make it be about that in my head. On the other hand, I have no idea what I weigh now (nor do I wish to), and it would be an interesting study to see just what 40 days of junk-less eating would get me. (I don't know if I'll be able to get exercise in; we'll see. I haven't in about a year.)
This noontime saw a very stressful situation, scheduling speaking, and food/drink would normally be my major default...ooh, something to control, something yummy, something I can depend on! But no. We bought coffee (not the 600 calories I'd make at home) and let that be that. My healthy lunch came around 2 hours later (usual scenario; I eat after the kids are fed, happy, and quieter).
I even went to a 5-year old birthday party this evening, where pizza and cake were served. But hubby made me take a bowl of stroganoff with me which I ate most of, and thus didn't touch what was offered there. GO ME!
We've found some good patterns for eating. Eggs and cheese for breakfast, a good chicken/egg/cheese/lettuce salad for lunch, and whatever's on tap for dinner. Hub bought some Greek yogurt today while grocery shopping. I had the honey flavor once and wasn't impressed, but had strawberry today and it was quite acceptable. It's quite high in protein, though, so we decided it would be a great mid-afternoon snack (rather than before our salads like today; talk about protein overkill). And evening, around 8:30 or 9 when we start feeling snackish and hungry again, we've made fruit smoothies the last two nights -- banana, cup of yogurt, milk, and vanilla protein powder. Really good to take away hunger and stay on track.

It feels good. I'm not craving or raging-against-the-machine like I thought I might or like I have in the past, when the thoughts consume you of wanting something chocolate. (I get chocolate in my coffee every morning, so I suppose that might help.) It feels good to be having God as my motivation, to not be doing some big hard plan that we didn't come up with ourselves, and to be doing it with Hub where we can really push each other to stay strong (I was ready to eat pizza at the party because we were running really late and I didn't have time to eat at home, but Hub all but demanded that I take it with me). It's immensely helpful. Tomorrow, Day 3.