Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Pushy, pushy.

I have not been on my netbook in DAYS. How odd, for something I craved so much - for months - before I bought it. (Don't get me wrong, though; I didn't wait to buy it out of discipline, but out of pure lack of funds.) And life has set in, and my netbook for some reason at times seems u..n..b..e..a..r..a..b..l..y slow, such that I'm not always as excited about using it. Shame on me.

But now it's Wednesday night, we're home from the last Kids' Club of the season, and it's not even 9:00 - but I'm free and clear of children, and alone in my room! (Hubby is still at church rehearsing the Living Last Supper.) I have soooo much stuff swirling around in my head that I feel there's no way I can be the graceful, coherent, lexically-gifted person I yearn to be. I want to make people feeeeeeel what I'm saying. I don't know yet if that really ever happens. (If we're being honest, I'm not sure there's anyone reading this to feel it. :) )

I say stuff is "swirling"...what a funny expression, but things actually never "swirl" in my head. They kind of push in front of each other, jockeying for position, being ugly or sad or busy or stressed as they elbow each other out of the way. Even my writing feels like thoughts are pushing in without waiting their turn. I wonder how many thoughts are really in there...

1. I have this free time, but there my Bible sits with my devotional book. How I HUNGER AND THIRST for righteousness when quiet solitude with God is impossible, and how much more delightful Facebook or sleep looks when I find myself with a rare moment. However, I have learned several truths lately that tell me God still has time for me, even if not the other way around. One: "simply His." I saw this as a tattoo on someone's hand in a picture, and I've loved it since. What a blessed notion. Simple. I'm simply His. When I come to Him, I don't have to be pretty or have my eyebrows waxed or my teeth brushed or my chores done or my tummy sucked in. It's just us. Me and Him, and I don't have to follow any protocol or remind Him of anything or remember to use it as a teachable moment. He simply loves me, and wants to hear from me ~ anything from me ~ and best of all, it doesn't have to be like anybody else's relationship. And two: how often do I want my husband to be the one who adores me, who hangs on my every word, who thinks everything I say is important, who always remembers what I was saying (or that I was talking) or remembers later on what I had been talking about, who makes my life/feelings/purpose a priority and never forgets to make my Stuff as important and as valid as his Stuff... But my husband is a human being, just the same as me, and goodness knows I forget to make his stuff a priority sometimes, or I forget that he wanted me to bring something important with me, or I forget to chew with my mouth closed (a particular pet peeve), or that he needs to feel loved and appreciated, or that he's every bit as allowed to get stressed about financial matters even if I'm over it or want him to be The Strong One at the moment. But my need to feel those other things are still there! And they're valid! (I stomp my foot.) ...And God can supply every one of those needs. He hangs on my words and thinks every single one is important. He never forgets what I was talking about. He always has time to listen to me vent (and not only has time but wants to). He has made plans for me, BIG PLANS, and He promised He'd keep working on the plans for ME. He can fill every one of those spots where my husband every so often seems so me.

2. I'm not only still not eating junk food (read: dessert, or fried things, or yummy snacky things like Doritos). I do still drink my coffee. Usually about twice a day, and then my tummy doesn't like it anymore. And now I've added some kind of modified South Beach diet to it. I'm trying not to eat grains of any kind, though I did have a pretza-bagel this morning (because I bought them for my son and they smelled so superb that I wanted to know what they tasted like...they weren't that awesome, but he loves them) and I ate the roll that my sandwich came in tonight at Kids' Club. (But, for the record, I skated right past the bowls of chips, and never even approached the table when they brought the desserts out.) I want so much to get rid of my tummy. It affects everything ~ my mood, my self-esteem, how I view my friendships, how I assume my husband sees me ~ and I know the SB diet has good results, but I'm not seeing them yet (not even results from cutting the junk food back since Ash Wednesday). Hubby says if I'd stop drinking my coffee... (pppbbbttth) However, when Easter Sunday rolls around, not even two weeks from now, I want some chocolate and a whole bag of Spicy Sweet Doritos.

3. I think I've decided I want to homeschool my daughter next year. I'd love to homeschool both my daughter and my son, but he's worked so hard at potty training to be able to go to kindergarten, that it might be too hard to take it away from him now. And we kinda think maybe he needs one year to experience school, to get the idea, to see how the routine works, to have someone else be telling him where to go and how/when to do things, and to keep him accountable to rules I didn't make. Then I'm hoping to start him in 1st grade. I have been thinking about this for several months, and my reasons are much more positive than negative toward the school system...I guess in a nutshell, I just feel there's so much more she could be learning, I've seen what kids can learn, and I want to be able to fill her mind with noble things and holy things, and not have to fight through theories about evolution and options of yoga. I'm excited for what her mind can and will do, and completely unhappy that the silly 9th circuit court wherever it was decided that a parents' rights don't extend past the doors of the schools. (Pppbbbttth to them, too.) Now I just have to talk it over for the last time with hubby, and then figure out how to present it to her... (and her brother, since they won't finally be at the same school :( ).

4. I'm pining for a local AND like-minded sister in Christ. I want her to be special to me, and I want to be special to her. I don't want to be sitting on the outside, watching her little circle that doesn't involve me (oddly, they seem to be made up of skinny blondes, which only makes it more depressing). I don't want to be having a good conversation with her, only to be interrupted by someone else that ends up taking just as much precedence as me. I want someone who doesn't seem to have it all together, no matter how much she says she is a basket case like me but speaks and oozes life and organization (while I feel like most often I just ooze). You know, I'd settle for a long-distance like-minded friend if we could be kind of exclusive. Wonder what that feels go beyond sharing joys and annoyances of mother-life, into sharing joys and valleys of daughter-of-the-King-life? Hmmm.

5. And I don't know if I'll ever have another baby, because Certain People have inadvertently put that part (and several others) of my life on hold. (grr) There are times where my current situation seems to weigh so heavily on the living of my life that I feel I could just lie down and let life steamroll over me, but God continues to send me women and invitations that pull me out of the house and out of my Self Zone, when I have the courage to say YES.

6. I recently went to a day away for women, and every time I go to these (which isn't often, but occasionally), I wonder...what is it that other women are experiencing? They all seem to be laughing louder, crying harder, agreeing stronger, and, afterward, remembering sweeter than I. A beautiful friend of mine (who, incidentally, deserves to have a fabulous retreat) recently went to a women's conference and came back saying she felt like a new mom. Where are these magical events?? Why am I not experiencing this connection at the events I go to? Am I expecting too much? Does it have more to do with who you're with than what's happening around you? I know the focus is on God, and every time my goal is to go and just lose myself in the experience, to ignore all others around me and simply let God speak to me. And He does; I'm not completely devoid of sentiment the whole just always seems to somehow fall short of other people's amazing times.

7. And I want a house of my own where I'm free to make my own choices no matter what they are, to make my own mistakes and learn from them, to be entirely myself and create my family the way I want to, the way I feel God wants me to. (That thought wasn't really elbowing the other thoughts so much, but it's kinda always there, so I'm just saying.)

There are no solutions for all these issues, save that 1) God is God and I am not; 2) I am a work in progress; 3) God does have plans for me: plans to give me hope and a future, plans to give me a ministry in my own way, even if it's exactly the mom-ing and wife-ing I'm doing right now, plans to bring me joy and blessings, plans to bring me closer to Him; 4) I will not always be in the place that I am right now.

Easter morning always comes. And look...there's my Bible, and my God, still sitting there waiting for me.

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