Friday, July 15, 2011

Inside the armor.

It's my blog, and I'll emotionally core dump if I want to. I'm tired, and I'm depleted, and I want a nap. (Yes, I realize it's only 6:10 in the morning.)

I'm tired of not sleeping through the night; and I'm tired in general of the last two nights, not knowing whether a certain precious little 4yo boy will be in his bed, my bed, or hovered over the toilet.

I'm tired of not knowing who's going to be living in my house in the next three weeks. And I'm tired of listening to one of those people putting herself first, dumping decisions on her husband, expecting him to think of her first, but her not really doing anything to make him want to. (Even if that's not how it happens.)

I'm tired of not getting to bed on time, leading to me not getting up as early as I should, leading to me not exercising, leading to me staying the same stupid weight and size and fluffiness that I am, leading me to eat more ice cream out of depression, shooting myself in my proverbial foot.

I'm tired of being lazy and not feeling like getting work done around the house, but then I'm tired of having uber-productive days and feeling like I've ignored my kids and said "not right now, honey" too much. I'm tired of being unbalanced.

I'm tired of short-changing my husband on the wife he deserves. I'm tired of feeling like "right on, I've got this make-breakfast-pack-lunch-out-the-door routine nailed" then realizing I've lost something super important like a paycheck.

I'm actually tired of my summer going too fast, and wanting to hang on to it for a while. (And I'm especially tired of that because that's never happened before.)

I'm tired of money issues and trying to make lots of bills get paid from money that seems to disappear on it's own. (I am, however, very thankful for my husband's job that does make enough to pay our bills. I know, only too recently, what it's like not to have that.)

I'm tired of worrying who my children are bothering, and worrying who's bothering my children.

I'm tired. And depleted. Inside my armor is a child, and I'm dropping my sword.


  1. Carrie,

    I'm sure that these words may not give you comfort, as that's not my strongest gift. However, I felt compelled to write and let you know that you're not alone in this crazy thing we call 'life.' We all struggle because we're not perfect...yet. This side of Heaven we're going to have a heap load of troubles, however it's in those times that we can look forward to a time without troubles.

    There's an artist that sings something about this. She's a worship leader at our church and has a few albums out too, but I hope this song may give you a few minutes of comfort.

    God Bless!!

  2. Thank you, Tim! I appreciate your words of comfort, and your attempts, even if you don't feel it's your strongest gift. :) It's good to be reminded of what is to come, and that, very simply, "in this life we will have troubles." I'm trying to make the words of songs be REAL words, not just pretty words, so this song does fit the bill. Thanks again. :)

  3. And from someone on the other side who longs for the mundane at-home-ness, know it's difficult whatever side you're on. I guess (like Tim said) there's always going to be something not right, and we just have to carry on, rest, and then carry on...

  4. And please know that I certainly don't begrudge being a stay-at-home-mom. I r.e.l.i.s.h. my job, and God is ever increasing my contentment for all that the job entails. This morning it just all heaped up at once, me vs. my environment, my internal struggles with my outside world, my lack of sleep. :)

  5. Oh my. Like is said -- honest. That's what makes YOU-r blog great! No one likes a phony-balogne! :)Hang in there... rely on Jesus and His Word to get you through the especially hard days and situations... and read more Ann as well. ( ;) I never leave her site without, at the very least, a deep breath and courage to close my laptop, stand up, and move on into the unknown of the rest of my day. Love you... though I don't know you, I can tell you are quite a girl.


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